A Shofar + A Purity Ring
The shofar blew and that was my signal to walk down the aisle.
My dad, who wasn’t a part of the church (or wasn’t “saved”) and didn’t understand why I was getting married so young, made jokes as we walked down the aisle. I was barely 20.
Someone in the audience told me to smile and either I have RBF even on my wedding day or my body knew what my mind didn’t (or that person is weird which is most definitely true).
Our wedding included some of the hyper spiritual Evangelical cliches- we were prayed over by our “mentors”, we took communion, much of the ceremony was a sermon by our pastor/my “spiritual father,” and then during the ceremony I gave my new husband my purity ring. The culmination of what I had waited for- saving my virginity until my wedding night. The promise of a great marriage and an amazing sex life. Or so I thought. I didn’t want to live with the guilt and shame of having sex before my wedding night. I had enough of that anyway.
I can’t say I regret getting married so young because I have four beautiful children to show for it. For that I’d do it 1,000 times over. But if I could go back, I’d tell that girl that marriage was an illusion. An escape from her dysfunctional childhood and a hope for the life and family she never had. Unfortunately, you can’t create a life you never had when you haven’t processed through and healed from the first one.
I’d tell her she’s not bad. She’s not a failure that marriage was so hard. She was a CHILD. I’d tell her that all the expectations and pressures and fears and rules that seemed so normal were actually crazy.
I’d give her permission to feel and live and explore and experiment and adventure. I’d give her permission to let go of the religious expectations and ideologies and to actually embrace the beauty of her humanness. I’d let her know that she didn’t need to hide parts of herself, even from herself. That all of her was good. That all of her was lovable.
Join me for more conversations on purity culture, relationships, spirituality and religion in Unravel: a 6-week journey through spiritual and religious deconstruction. Click on the link below to learn more.
