POV: I Was In A Cult (Part 2) (Child abuse warning)

If you missed Part 1 you can find it here.

Cult one was a charismatic, speaking in tongues, fasting and interceding, emotion-filled environment. It appealed to (and preyed on) young, idealistic people and those with volatile, abusive histories. It appealed to my desire for passion and excitement, until it got too unhealthy to continue to overlook and excuse.

Like I mentioned before, we took a few weeks off and started “church shopping” (those of you evangelicals/exvangelicals know this term). We visited several different churches over the next few weeks to find the right fit, including the Christian and Missionary Alliance church I grew up going to, a house church, a mega church, and a few others.

The church we ended up landing on was small, conservative, and extremely fundamentalist. The pastors were nice and somewhat neutral but the congregation was filled with families similar to The Duggars. If you haven’t watched Shiny, Happy People yet, these families had tons of kids who sat still and quiet through the entire church service. They homeschooled them, believed in corporal punishment, had unbending views on gender roles, and, honestly, presented as sweet, charming, and having their shit together. Something that I didn’t feel much of at the time and so appealed to me.

I had recently started homeschooling my oldest. The moms met once a week for “quilting group” that started as an actual quilting group, but turned into a pseudo support group for women homeschooling a bunch of kids, literally barefoot and pregnant most of their lives, striving to be quiet, modest, and sweet while submitting to their husbands, playing the support role to their husband- the head of the household, and being the primary caretaker of their homes and children.

My dad left when I was four and I grew up with an overworked, exhausted, alcoholic mother. The idea of stability, a man who protected and provided for his family, and sweet, obedient children appealed to the abandoned, neglected little girl in me. This felt like it was the exact opposite environment that I grew up in and I wanted to provide that for my children.

I gave birth to my youngest while attending the church and the women set up a meal train for us. One of the families brought us dinner one night and for some reason I couldn’t eat it. I remember saying that it grossed me out.

One week later those parents beat their child to death and put another in critical condition. Maybe you think you read that wrong, but yes, they literally BEAT THEIR CHILD TO DEATH.

This family closely followed what I now know is Bill Gothard and IBLP. Bill Gothard (and the less extreme but very similar in many ways, James Dobson) teaches that wives should submit to their husband and children to their parents. It encourages and condones physical and corporal punishment and breaking the will of the child, like an animal.

I read books like Created to Be His Help Meet and To Train Up a Child by Debi and Michael Pearl. I read a lot of James Dobson and other Focus on the Family Books. I wanted to do what was right, to please the Lord, and to protect and love my children well. 

I feel so much compassion for young wife and mother Morgan. My intentions were good and I was trying so hard. I was constantly confused and also striving to figure out what the “right” things were and do them. 

When those parents killed their child it was a punch in the gut. It was incredibly traumatic on its own, but also only months after leaving the first abusive church culture and weeks after giving birth. I was misled and controlled by people that I trusted. I was taught that I couldn’t trust myself and so blindly followed what I believed was right. It makes me so sad.

At the time I felt disillusioned, afraid, and alone, but it also sent me on a trajectory of questioning what I believed and why. It was the beginning of removing church leaders from a pedestal and trusting myself, my intuition, and believing that I know what is best for myself and my children. It was the start of truth and of healing.

If you are unraveling your church and religious beliefs and experiences then Unravel may be for you. It’s not for people with specific experiences or in a certain place- it’s for everyone. It’s a safe space to process, share, ask questions, and be fully loved and accepted exactly where you are. I’d love to have you join us.  It kicks off September 19th and runs for 6 weeks. Find more information and sign up here.