POV: I Was In A Cult (Part 1)

I constantly walked on eggshells. I was afraid of messing up, doing something sinful, or missing out on God’s best for me. I didn’t want to hurt my kids or my partner. I wanted to be passionate and holy. Also, the fear of being confronted by the leaders at any moment was always looming. Everything was high stakes.

I’ve been a part of several churches and spiritual environments - some more healthy than others, but in my 20s I was in a cult. This cult masqueraded as a non-denominational evangelical church, but the farther you got in the more controlling, manipulative, and verbally and spiritually abusive it became. On the surface things looked good, like these types of things always do, and it makes it more confusing to recognize and get out.

When you start attending they are complementary and kind. They take you out to lunch and seem genuinely interested in your life. There’s so many events and Bible studies and things to do and eventually they become your new family and friends and you push the other ones out. When they confront you or tell you what to do you believe that they have your best interest in mind. They gaslight you and you believe it because you want to do what’s right and please God. 

There were several times where I was expected to attend or lead a church function and I couldn’t say no without repercussions, even if they were just silent condescension and pity. My three boys were born while we attended the church, so I was a young mother with babies and toddlers. I often felt an internal conflict leaving them or dragging them along and felt pressured to put the church before my family. Of course, it was always communicated that God should come first and God meant the agenda of the church leaders. I was codependent and didn’t know how to listen to my intuition and do what was right for me. I blindly trusted that they had my best interest in mind and disregarded my internal truth and convictions.

I didn’t grieve the loss and pain and the trauma that came with being in that environment until many years later. I’m still unraveling why I stayed for so long and the impact that it had on my life. 

I know the words toxic, abusive, and dysfunctional are hard to say and hear. But if you’ve been in a similar situation then that’s exactly what it is. Let’s call it what it actually is. Maybe you can’t relate to the extremes but you’ve internalized some of the church and religious messaging you’ve heard and have felt the guilt, fear, and shame.

It’s ok to ask questions. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to let go of the things that are no longer in alignment. And it’s ok to keep the things that you are. Your healing can look like whatever you need it to look like.

If you are unraveling your church and religious beliefs and experiences then Unravel may be for you. It’s not for people with specific experiences or in a certain place- it’s for everyone. It’s a safe space to process, share, ask questions, and be fully loved and accepted exactly where you are. I’d love to have you join us.  Find more information and sign up here.